Every now and then I am reminded about what is essential in our elder law practice. I so often get lost in the technicalities of legal work that I sometimes forget what may be my most important role. That role, I believe, is to share my experiences with clients about what other families have done when faced with the decline in health of a family member. What I often discuss with caregivers is that their problems are not unique to them — they are universal.
Many new clients come to me with a sense that their story is unusual or unique, and that it may be too difficult to even address. A story in a recent issue of Time magazine was incredibly powerful and a reminder to me that I, as an elder law attorney, have a unique role when brought in to assist a family in transition. The story concerned the author's failed attempts to assist her sibling in caring for an ailing parent — and it reminded me of my own family and of the families I see daily.
Just this week I talked with a daughter who felt the need to tell me that her elderly mother's loss of weight was not her fault or her sister's. She explained that she lived a thousand miles away but kept in constant contact. Her sister, who had nine children of her own, not only cared for her kids but looked after their mother. They never touched mom's money unless it was for mom. Despite their good intentions, mom had the inevitable problems that illness and aging bring. A well-meaning friend reported the case to the Area Agency on Aging. The Agency found nothing wrong — but the wheels were set in motion. Eventually, the daughters called me in desperation: "What can we do? We have a Power of Attorney. Can we take her home? Are we in trouble?"
"The kids or caregivers who come to my office always have good intentions. Every one of them feels the need to explain that they don't care about the money. They care about their parent."
I gave them the advice I often give: "Believe it or not, this is all pretty normal and we see it all the time." They were aware that what they were doing was not easy — but they were not aware of how common their situation was. The care of an aging parent is difficult if not impossible. There are plenty of people who will second-guess if something goes wrong. I tell people that the kids who come to my office always have good intentions. Every one of them feels the need to explain that they don't care about money. They care about their parent. They are all conflicted about intervening. They want mom to have her dignity and her independence.
When I was in college, we watched Arthur Miller's play "The Price" in Family Psychology class. It had a significant impact on me since my own father had recently died. The play is about two brothers coming together to clean up their father's home after his death. One brother stayed home — a policeman who struggled financially but cared for his father, feeling he had missed opportunities because of that commitment. The other left early, attended medical school, and became a successful doctor. One lost the opportunity to be present in his father's life. The other lost his independence and the ability to claim his professional and financial goals. Both paid a price for their choices — and both were conflicted about it.
I tell this story to caretaker clients to help them unite and work together. Whether you stay or go, you are to a certain extent built — and ultimately perhaps limited — by your particular role in your family. I remind caretakers that this may be the most difficult family event they will ever face. I tell them it is faced by almost all families.
There is no road map. But the children who take the time to seek counsel are showing that they are working to understand what is needed and what is proper. The kids who abuse their parents and take their money never come to our office. We have seen hundreds of families in tough circumstances, and we look to help them with perspective. I often tell new clients that they can relax. That is what I told the sisters: you are doing the right thing. It is not easy. Don't be too defensive. Work together. Keep communication open. Surprises are not good. There will be problems. You will be questioned. You know your mom and you are trying to do what is best for her.
It's normal. Relax. It's the price we pay for being in a family.